Forgotten

I....actually forgot something, I forgot one mind-set that I should set in my mind.
I should really recall back myself, do not get to friendly to people.
For the sentiment of mine for people and friend already lost.
I should not treat them so goodly for my tear already shed for human and it is finished.
I started to get back to myself, for treating people nicely is for some purpose.
I... just cannot be so nice. I don't want to be that.
If not, I will get hurt by other once again...

Christmas Service

Since the Christmas Service, God really impressed somebody, I don't know but I am sure I am, my church actually involved in a charity work by remembering the poor and doing outreach.
I invited Sean to come to the service, he is a very special and cheerful man, I felt comfortable when being with him. He shared with me he felt something during the praise and worship time. I think I had the same feeling during that time, Praising and Worship God is exciting for me =). We talked alot and shared alot of things between each other. This Christmas is fruitful to everyone and each one of us.
I think I had take a very good lesson that is the miracle of love, the older one of mine actually changed, to be more lovely to the friends around me, I am able to care for others, and building a whole new friendship, I pray that I can have more love from God too to love the people around me.

Learn to change

With everything I have in my mind I try to forgive and try not to angry.
These days I face a lot of so-called persecution and teasing.
Although it is not in front of me but I can see that, I just act like I didn't see anything. but from that on, I just know what call a friend, which is when you have trouble is someone who you seek but when nothing happen it is better you keep silent from each other.
It is maybe too harsh for me, I don't need good friend anymore, it is just something that I need but I won't be dead if lack of them. Since I studied in college, we don't have time to be together, so our thinkings are different, so its time for us to draw a line between each other, I know many of my friends will talk something not really good about me behind me which is I don't really care anymore, because from now on, I am already disheartened.
I won't put so much love and hope in friendship which end up with this consequences but I will spend my time to build up myself, I used to work alone and do things alone, with assistant but not partnership, with workers but not friends.

Success and Fun!

From Thursday to Sunday, I have my funniest time ever, well, where to start? Let's see.....
BB makes my life interesting, this story started with my captain called me out to do a slide presentation for Christmas Dazzles Concert, it is God's blessing that I can really serve in this area which I have to control the visual effect of the slideshow in front of 500+- people and audiences. I have being "scolded" by the chairman because of not aware of the slide transition, but it was fun, 2nd day and the actual day is better. erm... let's explain, the choir had some songs and series of song, each song require different background and scenery, so I have the responsibility to show all those slide and also control the entire sequence of screen.
With several practices and awareness, I am able to control and have fun in the concert, it is really amazing that I can enjoy the music while playing the slides even I heard it for 4 days. To some people it maybe boring, but I am really enjoying the music and nearly wanna dance with it.
The first most memorable moment is when Choir singing "Night Of Silence" and the audiences are singing "Silent night". This duet really making it amazing, I am sure that it impressed those audiences, so as I.
Finally come to an end, Selangor State BB members and officers go in front of the stage and "perform" and having fun there (so called free clubbing), and we had our funniest time there. Maybe my reader cannot feel it, because this have to feel it by ourselves. We ended with photography sessions, The Philharmonic Society and the Boys' Brigade of Selangor finally had our group photo.
Get back to Monday, the day after my concert is my Assessment of my Video Editing project, although the comment is not so good, but i bet that my project is good enough just not that good. And what really make me happy is 1 of my lecturer really gave me a compliment that my artwork improved a lot from last semester, I was like.... erm... okay, she said she is serious, I said, yes I trust you of course. Well, guess that next semester I have to gambateh more and more, cause I don't want to make myself disappointed.
AMAZING DAYS with amazing people,
Special thanks to: Philharmonic Society Of Selangor, BB Selangor and College people. =)

Strong

Its been a long time since I update my blog, this time I will start with stories of mine in Awards Camp.(No photo)
In the 4 days 3 nights camp, it has been a tough time, toughest wan is not that the physical toughness but the emotional and mental. I have come across with some mental disorder. Why?
First day, we are require to build a raft to sail it on the water which need some material, as a team leader I took a responsibility to take some order, end up with we just "less taken" something. What happen, the trainer scolded me in front of all those members. The first thing, I was angry and sad at a same time, A clear instruction is given, but why still wrong, and means that I wrong? Why I have to receive this kind of punishment? if I said I am not wrong, but no one will be on my stand. That time after getting scolded, I nearly cried, but I just endured, it is hard to endure your tear from dropping from you eyes.
What can I say? this camp is the unluckiest one for me to take lead, in my team no one took initiative to do things, I was like a man pulling a bunch of cows to move on, no on likes to move. Finally, Good, get scolded again, I can say that to be a leader, they don't appreciate me at all, I am not saying that I am perfect, but they are like a bunch of bull(or worse than that?), A bull will move when it get bitten, but they wont move even you hit them for 5 to 6 times.
I already fed up for sometimes, some of my members ask me why inside the camp, Why will I be like that, I just said: nothing, just leave me alone. But actually I am crying in my heart, I am sad that I cannot be an influence leader, and I am very frustrating to move a bunch of so called burden. but in my heart, I always tell myself, I have to be strong, I have to move on, that's why I can stand until now, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

空虚

好久没有写blog了，不过也不够和别人谈心事久，大概...10个月？一年？大概吧！觉得自己越来越不打紧，以前的自己慢慢的消失，总觉得现在的我欠了点东西，里面空了。
为什么空？不知道，可能一直在最求一些日常生活因该做的。好吧！都18岁了，应该变了，变得....不知道，我已经越来越迷失，不认识自己，不认识现在的我，很陌生，我到底是好人，还是一个很讨人厌的人？开始在想，怎么也没答案，身边每一个人可以告诉我，因为，好友都不在我身边陪着我，与我同行，最求同一个未来...

Insecure

When you feel that you are in a comfort zone, sooner and later you will something is not right.
This is like what happen to me, well, as you can see that, I am getting more and more neutral, anything sad will not conquer my emotion, but somehow there is something makes me feel upset.
I was just speechless for currently what happen my friends, seems like problems never let go of them, or they never let go of problems?I hope they can discover and released one day.
Recently college seems going to happen something big, warfare? no idea, but I don't feel secure anymore when I was in college, the atmosphere already not there, my heart getting cooler and cooler, and my tears... it is not flowing anymore.
growing bigger mean problems are coming, I always see my friends posted many status in facebook saying that they are hurt, so on and so fault. but honest speaking, I am sad if anyone of my friends is hurt or emo, anyone. I tend to become a listener, I want to help my friend, I just want them to share what happen to me to make them feel better, I just want to be a listener, but, where is my speakers...

EMOTIONAL

Recently I just did many psychological test in facebook, they calculate it quite accurately, it is said that I am always happy towards people and I was trying to hide myself inside.
actually, yes, this is me. As I know, I was trying to be happy always, but as time goes by, I felt my heart is going heavier and heavier. I don't know what happen to me, but for sure I feel I am more emo internally but not externally. That's a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.
I was trying to find a people to talk with, at least both of us share our struggles to each other to be balance. But nobody knows my intension, they just treated me as an ordinary people, a passer-by, or even a person that doesn't exist in their eyes if I didn't speak out. Maybe it is.
Day by day I live like an ordinary people, but one thing I improved from the past, that is I am out of control from my emotion

Random

Finally, after so many of laziness, I can get back to my blog, writing my personal life and story.
After so many struggles(actually not). Well, let's get back to topic, I find myself back, the 'me' that is quite emotional 1 year ago. I don't know why will he came back, but this time he is inside of my body but not outside, it means that he won't come out from my body to let people see him.
My emotion just act inwardly, is it a good thing? every time when I feel sad, I will just cried inwardly, and my tear would not flew out.Even though I tried my best to cry it out but it still doesn't work, maybe I haven't meet the biggest challenge and difficulty, the best way to hypnotize myself is to focus on my work, get cool in my work =).

Let's talk about something that make me happy. Recently, I just made a gift to 2nd Manjung, thankfully it is sent to there by one day, I am so excited after received the sms from my friend.

A Visit to Sitiawan

Finally I have my wish comes true to come to Sitiawan and visit my friends there. The first day I have my breakfast with Steven and Alan, my first time of meeting Steven, as I expected, he was a very nice guy. Previously I just saw him in facebook, well, I was treated as a guest, but I was like a helper. Later then I went to some places and some houses and visit them.
We do a lot a lot of lame but funny things, in Juo Keong's father Cafe, we have videography, which the actors are Eddie and Alan. I had a really great time, this was my first time traveling alone as an outsider to Sitiawan. Well, feeling good.
My tour guide Andrew introduce me to some places, he is a very good person though. Although sometimes he is abit out of control.
From the rehearsal to the practice, arranging chairs and tables, and the actual dinner, I learned a lot from them, their system, their work, and I also go and instruct them how to do in an efficient way, it is quite funny when you see people do what you taught them, it reminded me when I was Form 1.
It is so hard to accept the fact, I had been through the last night in Sitiawan. Time really flying, I feel like my tears are flowing through, I can't see all my friends here one by one, but at least I know they are well enough, I was glad
I learned many things and I learned how to treasure the relationships and friendship. Although it seems nothing to people, but as and outsider I saw a lot, I can move on and share a lot, tear, laughter should not be ender here, but it may be continued by us, but not together, it is in different timing, places and different people.
I have many words to say to them one by one, as an advice, I hope it will be chances. After this, I felt myself charge enough, I learned a most important thing in a company is communication, without communications, it is like nothing. I felt very blessed to be BB, and I felt glad to have my members, officers, Captain and Chaplain moving with me. Thanks 2nd Manjung, for teaching me that what is unity, and thanks for letting me know that the source of Unity and a company, I will take it as a lesson, Shine like a Star, Be strong and courageous!

1st day in 2nd semester

Finally, 2nd semester already arrived, well, new semester with new environment. our campus eventually move to Subang, the room and the hall is much more wider, we have exhibition corner and somemore there will be a stage.
Normally I will deny new stuff but this time I am open to accept it, because it is my college. After several times of visiting inside the new campus, I was like lose some excitement due to it is actually wide but nothing to see and nothing to surprise me. Before entering new semester I had visited once. Well, It's Like that.
Try to imagine the first day of this semester we got our homework. Can't blame, I am too hardworking to bring all those art materials to college, since we have our tools, why don't, but in the end, all things have to sponsor by me.
It will be a long long days for me to walk around and figuring out what the campus surrounding looks like. Hope this new environment can give me a fresh and also positive mind. Designers need positive mind.

旅程

放了这么久的假，开始发霉了，头脑里一大堆设计的idea好像走完了。对，没错，我的头脑是有点发霉了，谁叫我这么懒，还有一个星期的时间，也是时候收拾会遗失的自己，因为要回到校园了。不知能不能过得了这个学期。
假期时我只在面子书上和朋友交流交流，大多数都是从实兆远来的朋友。说一说最近的状况，为什么在自闭，emo等等，老实说，对着他们，我格外开心，至少我可以好像大哥哥这般的安慰他们鼓励他们。发觉自己长大了很多，可是也觉得自己是多么的幼稚，会合这些小毛头玩的那么癫。虽然我们在营里才短短的五天，这五天我们已有了深厚的感情，不像在课室里的同学一样，需要很长的一段时间就认识。可能我们有一样的爱好，一样的热血，一样的三八....哈哈，想起也好笑，可是好的日子并不长，分离始终是痛苦的，虽然我已无憾，但是怎么样也会有点相思之苦。
这一次我被邀请到实兆远，他们会有个15周年纪念，听起来很好玩，想去学学东西顺便看一看我的远方的朋友，就连我的队长也看得出我去实兆远的目的，也太了解我了吧！话说回来，我真的很想很想很想x100见他们，我觉得他们也有同感，谁叫我们曾经感动过他们，这一次的机会我是不会这么容易放过的。
可惜，因为我这里没有战友，没人能陪我去....所以我家人就有点反对咯。我也终于打消了这个念头...其实和他们无关，前两天我梦见我和他们其中一人说对不起，我无缘出席，所以才做出这决定，因为在那梦之前，我曾经祷告给上帝，如果我不能去的话，给我一个梦吧！我不相信上帝真的这么做，很大可能是我日有所思夜有所梦。
事事总有转机，我在msn里巧遇一个贵人，她帮助我解决了一个问题，她说实兆远有人在KL求学，可能他可以帮得了我。对没错，它可以帮得了我，但是我还是要等他的答复。我真的很希望这个答复和我的计划不会相差太远。希望这趟旅程是可行的，我真的很希望，很渴望...

Sad Songs

Recently I was listening 2 songs, these songs are about leaving. After listening this song I was like..... well, I really don't want to let you go, but I can't, you cannot, instead, all of us cannot stay a people as we like, because the world is like that. (dunno what Am I talking, so abstract). Well, I am not talking about relationship but in friendship. I missed someone all somebody who stay far away from me, we know each other for so period of time but we still can chat like good friends, but the time for us to relate with each other is too few.
That is a song saying that the hardest thing to do is saying bye. Everyone might say: 'come on! the hardest thing to do is say sorry, bla bla bla,' but does anyone know the true meaning behind this statement :The hardest thing to do is saying bye? It is actually saying that we can't let go, I mean, how willing are you to say goodbye to your good friend when you and him/her are going to separate and will never meet for a long time or forever?
Recently, I love to use this 3 words as my quote, when you see me saying or posting these 3 words, it means that I am in a very struggling, frustrating, sad, angry, arrogant mood, these 3 words give me a attitude of accepting the fact, so it is not negative to me, so please be ware when I am saying: Its Like That =)

生日

最近才和朋友一起庆祝了我的生日，我真的很开心，第一，我第一次和朋友在外庆祝。这也不在话下，他们还一起帮我们庆祝，三人一起庆祝。第二，我可以再见到好久不见的中学朋友。人还是没变，一样飞。搞笑的依然搞笑；贪吃的依然贪吃；废的依然还是废的 XD。 虽然只有短短两三个小时，但是对我来说已经是足够的了。对我来说,只要我们有离别，我们就会有再见的机会。

今天的天气又阴又没下雨，不知怎的。不过，我本人喜欢这种天气，它很温柔，又不猛烈。也不会像下雨那般吵杂，除非是棉雨。阴天让我想起一些我想念的朋友，每次遇到阴天我就会有这种感觉，我就是这样，可能我变了，但是有时候我还是很想念感性的我,可能会觉得很傻，但是我却不喜欢感性的我，很烦。

反正事情已经过了，至少现在我学会珍惜和朋友相处的日子，就算我们离别了，也不会感到后悔，因为我们珍惜相处的日子，就算是初相识，我们的感情也算不错。

所以，珍惜身边的人，这是一个关键，因为你学会珍惜，当你与朋友分开时，你不会感到后悔，但是却有几分思念。

This Week

Finally The Holiday is ahead after my assesment and presentations, everything gone smoothly, although I skip many days to Pesta, but I still manage to finish all my works and do my presentation. Thank God so much
And I get my new laptop, thanks to my father, I don't know how to thank, but thanks la XD, tomoroow onward will be Holiday, thinking what to do during the holiday.
Next week will be my birthday and some of my friends are planning something for me, but honestly I miss my old friends, although they wanna celebrate with me but I can't make it, too bad, maybe it is fate that we can hardly meet each other.
The present is not that important to me, what I want is I can spend time with people that celebrate with me

WEEKEND

Weekend again, the assesment is coming, and my stuff is still havent finish, after Pesta, I am trying to rush al my works and hand in as soon as possible.
But this time really thank God, He gave me many things that I don't really and don't deserve. Challenges are coming into my life, but I can smile to them, is it the real challenges to me? or I haven't face the huge challenge in my life? I don't know. We never know our future, but what can we do is do our best for our future.
Throughout these 2 weeks, I felt I am getting fresh as coming back from Penang, everything seems okay to me, by the end of this week I can manage to finish some of my works, can clearly see that God has done His work in my life, that's why I love my name so much, Sam, God heard.
Again, I am going into weekend, days that pass very qucikly, I have been through it so many times, so I must use my weekend well, if not I might fail to do my work in 1 week, it is almost impossible for me to finish college works but really have to rely on God
After entering college, I feel myself getting lonely, everyday just going out coming in, going online all the time to kill time and seeing all those 'friends' in facebook doing something and cheat-chatting, feeling the emptiness in my heart that I don't really need friends in my life to help me and guide me in my emotional part, because I can manage it already, but I don't really care bout the emptiness, to me, it is just a nothing, I am not the Sam who was in secondary school, I am now a people, who can survive alone. HOPE SO

BB Pesta

These days I went to a camp call Boys Brigade Malaysia 19th Pesta. It is hard to describe 5 days stuff in one passage, maybe I will use my facebook photo to represent it on weekend. Time flow very fast, the first day in pesta I already miss home, but now I miss my roommates and my classroom very much.
Throughtout these 5 days, I leant a lot of things, it gave me a lot of motivation from other company that I should serve faithfully in BB no matter what situation I am facing. The moment when my squad leader was away, I have to take care of my team, acctually at first I was a bit chaos in my mind to lead them and to instruct them, because every squad member is different. By Gods grace, throughout the days, they actually didn't disapoint me, they not just relied on leaders, they took care of each other, followed their leaders. I am not a very good leader, but I learnt something from this squad, for what the leader do, the members will follow, but they actually suffered a lot under the sun XD. I hope that this is not the last time I led a squad, because it is really a challenging field for me to lead my company, their attitude are really different, and I can't solve them, feel like I am so useless to be an NCO and also one of the leader upon, I can't scold them because there are leaders above.Don't know why after this pesta some of my members didn's get any motivation and didn't even absorb something from others. When will you guys been awaken?
I enjoyed the time in the dorn with 2nd Manjung Company, they are really good and amazing, friendly and kind. although we knew each other in such a short time, but we really share many things, experiences, badges, BB lives, fun, laughter, sorrow, struggle. We helped each other in the dorn, like helping who was suffering with asma. And I got the heart to care about them, this Pesta to me not just a BB fellowship gathering, it is like a experience to me with other company, it made me not being a passer-by to someone, but being a memorable passer-by to other people, I hope to see them again. I don't hope that they will remember me, but I hope that in their lives, there is 1 man played with them, helped them, sleep with them in the dorn, and laugh with them. See You Guys soon!

Memories

in facebook, I always see many thing and many photos showing their college life, it annoyed me because everyone who enter college will just post their college life, it is like the college stuff very special. To me, still okay.
In college, we keep on doing our stuff, keep on charging, but when I stop and look back, I discovered that I miss my friends very much, I almost forget the time we play together, paint the class together, study together, argue, laughter, sampat-ing. XD, this memory I can't find it out anymore in the future.
since a long time never share burden to each other, seems like every high school people already disappear from the world, we never communicate anymore except for facebook

Weird Dream

In my daily life time, I will never be suprised that I dreamed a dream or some dreams that is super duper natural, means that impossible, people always dreamed something weird then feel very suprised and shocked, but I already used to it. Maybe for me this daydreamer and thinker, I got many things to think after I slept.
Yesterday night, I dreamed about a friend, he is younger than me for 1 year, he is a very good guy, no matter attitude, study, leadership. And we manage to talk some 'nonsense' sometimes (guess you know who you are when you see this blog). I told him too this dream. In the dream, i saw he smoking in his class, so I go towards him to advise him, but he doesn't listen to me. The feeling is just like you are advising your close friend but he doesn't bother you. I don't know its that God's calling to me, because this is a very sudden dream, I remembered God told me something through dream before, is this another key?

浪很多

最近真的很多问题发生，难道就不能让我轻松一秒钟吗？ 刚刚可以代课教跳舞，偏偏来另外一个节目，你把我拉上山，又踢我下来。你到底要给我机会，还是要让我失望。无论我几次呼求，你的回应，我都听不到。这沉重的负担真的越来越重，刚有了热诚，但是就不能给我做一些我喜欢的事吗？就不能让我尝试一下教课的滋味与经验？你到底要我做什么？......
最近上了学院以后，好朋友渐渐少了，少说话，少联络，少出来玩，甚至说话都在面子书。我渐渐失去好友了，我觉得孤单，虽然上帝一直在呵护我，不过，我真的觉得很孤单。没有人能和我一起并肩作战。到底我要孤独到什么时候。我的朋友都到哪去了。一个星期只见一次面，虽然他一直捉紧机会来跟我聊天，不过我知道，我们的兄弟情就快结束，见面时间越少，我们对彼此越陌生，可能这是注定的。

Outing

Today I have an outing with Visual Communcation students in college. Our destination are Selangor Builder and KL Tower. When we are heading to first destination, my car is lost because the spoilure of tol make us delay and can't see the other cars.
We just drive around KL, so brave. Call call call, check check, finally we lost until KL central, then we took Taxi to Selangor Builder. The lost take us too much time. well, never lost in jungle, but lost in 'iron jungle', quite irritating.....
there was nice, I took many photos but can't upload to facebook, swt swt + swt.
then we went to KL tower. the building and transport is small like what is written in the textbook. I tried to find my home but too far and too 'jungle' can't see, the top of KL tower is so nice.
After that we balik rumah masing masing, I stay in campus waiting for SLT.....

..

this is already the 3rd week that I started my college life, but I still think that my work is not good enough, maybe I am a perfectionist, whatever I do, I must do until I am satisfied, but now I realise thta design is easy, but it is hard to me.
Everytime when I saw my result I felt very satisfied because I can do something like this. But the problem is I am still lousy in design and drawing. Lecturer say: it's okay, just 3rd week only, but for me: 3rd weeks already, why I can't see any improvement. My requirement for myself i higher.
Hope that I can get through this, I am really frustated when I saw my lousy work.
At first I thought that I may not good in drawing, but since I joined, I am familiar with it, some maybe I am not expert in, but I can try, but when I can improve, I am not sure and no confident in it

Living in The World

I am now waiting for 10am class in my College computer lab.
Yesterday receive a letter from National Service department that I have to go for National service.
But the problem is currently I am studying.
My mom started to ask me some nonsense again.
'so how'?
well i don't know what to asnswer, I thought she already has an answer in her mind.
After that I try to call them. But their working hour is over.
Without worrying I just spend my day.
But after sleep, this morning theworriness started to come again(well you know, we worry very much in the morning)
'What if the letter can't be sent, what i they don't approve, what if ..... bla bla bla bla......'
I don't know what to say, sometimes I just don't know what to do.
Living in this world will make myself feel complicated.
And I am now like a people who get bind by a wipe that can't move freely
my mind and my brain is binded. Make me think and feel limited.

4th day

This is the 4th day since I studied in Alfa College.
Honestly, I am quite happy to study here
But I don't know can I afford the test or not
My marks will based on homework, assignment and project which is a whole new thing to me.
I saw some last semester students stay for this semester just to retake 1 subject in 3 months.
I think if I were like that I beg I am going to waste many money of my parents.
It just like last time I afraid and worry about my result of SPM
but the different is now I can change it, because it still haven't happen yet.
but SPM, I worry after I took, so I won't worry about my now, because I can change it
Wish me a luck..

College Life

I am now in the college and enjoying the life in it.
1st day come in, then I get a very warm welcoming.
to be short I am fine here. don't worry about me
I will fight for my result, hahahahaXD
(Just started then say result...)

Happy

I can say I am happy with my result
Although it is not ridiculously good but I am satisfied with it.
At least I tried my best and no fail in my every subject. Thank God so much.
2A, 1B, 4C, 2D, 1E, no fail, but compare to other genius, my result is bad of course.
but the fact is, I didn't give myself a very high expectation, but I try myself very best in exam.
and I expect the worst =.=(somebody will know what am I talking about).
so the result is better than my worst.
compare to other who calculating how many As, I am happier with it.
because I am not paying a high expectation in it.
and the result is much much higher, I was like : O my GOODNESS!!~~~~~~~~~~
so, guys, please don't be sad for it,
because it is just a beginning, if you can't afford it, you are hardly to move on
Stop feeling sad or upset or disappointed(whatever negative feeling), start to think and dream about our future.
I can see the light, how about you

(NOTE: Author's feeling like weather, you can't know his temper tomorrow, so be ware of him, thanks)

Challenges

since it is 11 more hours to go, I am not tension anymore, but my heart beating strongly until I can't make myself steady.
Since 1 January of this year, many things that so call not good came to me beat by beat, these things settled, another to come, so I make a fortune for myself that tomorrow my result will make me give up of education.
I am not giving myself a low confidence, I have a faith in God that He will bless me in my result, but the problem is, this year that is too much things to be worried of. I haven''t settle this, another jump to me, what I wanna conclude here is, when we 18 years old, we are totally can''t control our lives. The answer will be told tomorrow, but I afraid that I will give up in everything tomorrow, because the result will judge me whether am I further my study? or make me go to hell? I will not say more about result, because tomorrow will be the day.
For now, I have lost my interest in study, or I said passion, I have no passion in it, so it will be my reconsideration to further my study or not. If i can''t find back my interest, maybe I am not going to study in my entire life, to be a useless man in the future. I felt like I am living in darkness, everything is so dark, so terrible. I don''t know how to explain it.

3月八日

距离成绩放榜的日子还有3天吧,总觉得当天是失败和伤心的一天。
在别人的眼中，看似一个可造之才，但当看镜子时，里面却是一个自卑又没用的窝囊废。
别人再多给鼓励，再怎么看好我，我还是觉得这一场仗会失败。
可能我坚信我比别人了解我自己，但其实，别人会更了解我。
现在我的脑没有一天是空白的，一直想着我的成绩。
和我朋友相反，他们不担心，到那天才担心。而我，每天日日夜夜都想着，犹豫着。
虽然有很多应许，但是心中的不安总不能磨灭掉。
我这个人的自信越来越若，什么时候才能建立？
他们说我心烦，是因为我没有自信。
看来他们说得一点都没错，即使我知道我在试卷上写得多好，我的心也一直告诉我，我会输掉这场仗。
一直有很强的感觉。不知几时，我才能安宁。
放假时，头脑一直忧虑，根本不能为升学作准备。

成绩放榜的日子一天一天逼近，现在的我真得很怕，我很怕，我的国语会不及格。自己的信心真得很不多，所谓信心是自己给自己的，有时真的没错。无论别人怎么说，我还是觉得自己这一次死定了。
很多时候，我一直有一种很强烈的感觉，感觉到我这一次的成绩会一落千丈。就算有很多人这么说：一定会比预考好，甚至上帝在梦里也告诉我我可以及格，我的心还是忐忑不安。千几百次叫自己不要再想了，可是脑筋就不为我控制，快疯掉了。
这也许是我考SPM之后，写的华语作文，老实说，我的华语也不必国文好，我承认华语真的难道连我都不会写。马马虎虎，反而国语的试卷比他还好些。我曾经跟上帝许下诺言，说如果我这一次的马来文能几个附上3个C以上，上了学院，我会努力的读书，但是，现在的我，还在担心，脑啊脑！你要怎样，让我控制你好不好，不要再想了，长辈都说我能，就能咯！我还担心什么？
最近发了两个梦，觉得跟上帝有关。今天我在车上，赶着去上舞蹈课时，才领悟到大浪梦中的含义，浪一次又一次的涌过来，意思是说，我的生命会一直有层出不穷的困难一直涌过来。而大浪靠过来我没事，意思是说，上帝会保护我不受困难给弄死，大概就是这个意思。
前两天发了一个梦，梦里说，我写了封信给上帝。上帝回信咯！他说，‘你的国语会及格，这一次几个的分数是30分。’当时在梦里的我很安心。但回到现实。不过有个姐妹告诉我，这是上帝的信念。圣经的人物也有这样的经验。可是我还是那个样。
最近觉得自己的才艺已经被剥夺了，做什么都不好。很少在别人的嘴里听见：很好！，做得好！。只听得到：还好啦，加油啦，就这样。我已经开始厌倦了。
最后只觉得自己越来越没用，有幅这么难看的脸，又有这么没用的人格，不知道在这世界还能撑多久。

浪

世界真是无奇不有，我说出去可能比人会数落我，不过千真万确。
故事是很简单的，相信大家都知道海啸袭击一些国家。
在海啸发生的时候，我就和健耀就在一个姐妹家度过一消。
当晚我在厄梦里见到好几个大浪一直陆陆续续的涌过来。
但是大浪来到，却向我查身而过，我完全没事。
但是大浪还是向我冲来，那时候的我只站在那里，不过像第一次一样，没事。
很快的，梦境消失，变回沉睡的我。
我一觉醒来，什么都忘了，只是最近才记得。
难道神给我一些致意？
我不觉得我的梦与海啸无关。
这么特别的经历，我还是头一次遭。

Nonsence Struggling

These days I face a lot of worriness again that i can't make me focus on what am I doing currently.
I still worry about my result although I tried my best
No matter how much I surrender to God, I still can't put down this
Is this worriness is carrying me until I go into college?
Although everything is okay, but I don't know what happen to my brain
It keeps on thinking about this thing
I wanna shout stop it but I can't, I can't control my mind anymore.

Life could be easy, but why...?

After several times of struggling and considering about XXX and college, I found out that actually we received a lot of difficulty from others
Why I say so? well, because XXX is not a useful program for me, it gave us enjoyment inside but the result is nothing, obviously. The objective of XXX can't be seen. Life really can be easier, just because of humans always make it complicated. And now, they complicate me very very badly. I can fly like a bird, but sometimes I live in this world, everything is walking with rules and regulation. I don't sure that I can survive in this world, but I am very sure that actually I am having bitterness, a bitterness that can't make me grow but make me sad, a bitterness can't make me laugh after this but cry for this.
I hope to see miracle, although something solved, but another things will come after solving, humans have a lot of problems to solved is because of they themselves made the problems, so human made problems, human suffer for it. It is a cycle, just it is different character and different view.
Now that I know my family is concerning about my college life, my brother tried his best to register for me and get those information for me. My mother worried about how I go to college and also solve the problem with me. My brother pursues my father to pay. LOLX XD
But what use? XXX always is my big gap of studying and my future, I can enjoy in it, so what? I am good in my life now, why I need another entertainment. I can do my favorite stuff in this time, I am going to participate a Dancing Competition. But, because of you, I have to worry, and can't pay a single focus on it. Because of you...
Life is easy, why we have to complicate it? I don't know, because the world is evil? so we have to make rules?

New Year

This new year I have no free day, everyday I have to go out or wait people to come out. Better than stay in house, finally I have non-holiday holiday.
1st day, waiting for people to come, then go people's house
2nd day, waiting for relatives to come back and waiting for Lion Dance.
3rd day, go to sing Karaoke and then go for my grandma's house.
4th day, go for visitation with my ex-classmates
5th day, get invited from Kah Wai and then go for a talk
6th day, practice for church performance
7th day, go for visitation with BB members and rehearsal
8th day, perfomance
ETC ETC
wow, so many program!!!!!

MASK

As I joined Valentine Service yesterday, I get a rough idea.
Why don't we BB organise a Halloween Parade, everyone can dress their weird dress and involve into this meeting, so that it can attract more people to come.
Imagine you are in Malaysia, the country which is not celebrating Halloween,
but suddenly your friend invite you to dress like a ghost, fair, monster, witch or even movie character to a party, will you join?
I beg must be very interesting event.
Why will I get this idea?
well, when I inviting my friends to Valentine Services, they are excited and go everywhere to find a mask and dress their best, because this is new to them. If we use this concept in Halloween,
there must be many people present in that event.
Imagine.
Phantom of the Opera is doing chairing.
The vampire is leading us to sing songs
and a band of vampires and zombies is playing drums, guitar, bass and keyboard. then a drama to present what is Halloween.
The interactive of audience and chairperson.
Maybe we can see Men In Black that day, wahahahaha.
I am going to submit this idea to leaders, try to apply it in October. So far the dreams...
Friends, How would you think?

SIGH

Now it's my time to spread out my voice, as the holiday that I spend is going to be shorten, I always worry about my result will not be good enough for me to go into college. Many people said that I am lacking of confident, but why I can't feel that, I really think that I am not that good enough to get a 3 credits result instead of no confident.
I try not to worry, but I can't do that, when people ask me am I studying college, I have a worriness in my heart that 'Am I really studying next? or I will be working because my result is too bad.' Sometimes compare me myself to my friends future, I am very sad that I afraid that I will not be like them can study college and continue their college life.
I think I am really fed up, I don't know what happen, I always think that I can't do it, I can't do it, even many people comfort me, but I am still worry and my mind telling me I can't. People can study at future firmly, but I am still shaky, can I really do that? keep asking myself is not solving any problem, but what can help me to release my knots.
I am too worried until I can't focus on something that I like. Since now, to me, dream is just a dream, when u imagine, it just can in your mind. from kindergarten until now, I didn't really plan for myself, what school am I going to in, which class am I going to in. SO what I plan now, I don't have confident that it is going to achieve, because, what I planned, I can't achieve, what I achieve, not what I planned. So I think this is also. aybe after result come out, I will give up for college and start to work, to continue my path, even how best I try in my exam, I have no confident in it anymore....

Dream?

It's been a long long day since I have a topic to update my blog, I am suffering in emotional breakdown lately, even though my facial expression not really like it, but actually I myself suffer a lot.
Even how many times I told myself don't think about things like that but the brain keep telling me I can't achieve. Yes, even I told myself how many times I can man!!, but fear keep filling my brain. Now I am full of fear that my dream can't be achieve.
I wish to study to get a diploma level just like my brother did. But can I do that in my future, that is many many many stronghold in front of me which I try to avoid. My friends tell me I can do it, don't worry, but what can I do?
I wish to be a photographer, photo editor and even a video editor. To edit the photo that shoot, then post it into a website and design it, to promote my future company. I also have a dream that I want to apply my imagination into animation and make it appear in front of my eyes and not just in my brain.
When I say I can, I can. but is this real? who can give me a real answer?...

Long time ago

It's been 2 years time, but I still remember, but this time I am not so heart anymore, but since now I will draw a line with them, not to be too friend with them, and even don't communicate.
My teacher said that a crew will not last forever, one day they will betray you. Yes, they already betray me, not very long we come together. But I can do nothing, what can I do is just cry. Until now I felt myself is so useless, I just know how to worry but don't know how to do my very best.
As I said draw a line, maybe I will now very careful about the partnership even though are very good friend, I felt like I can't trust anyone even myself, I won't be very deep relationship with anybody, because, the terrible things is inside human, that is human's heart.....
A friend can suddenly kill you at your back, so since my secondary life I am not trusting a people too deeply, and yes, my thought really told me the fact.
When I thik back I don;t feel any sad, because now they are not successful much.(not because of without me)

what?

These days are just simple, without any new stuff to come into my life
Now I just concern about my college, I attended many workshops these days
But still have some consideration.
Except for considering Multimedia, I am now having church serving.
Serving can let me forget and fill in my blanking time.
Choreograph for church dancing and directing church drama in Chinese New Year
Oh yes, Chinese New Year is coming, and I most enjoy the reunion of family.
but it will be very tiring for me
what Am I writting actually, well, at least updated my stuff to people =)

3 days for workshop

Workshop, meeting new friends,YES, this is what I did in these 3 days, I met some crazy friends in IACT College Workshop, and it is fun, I got more opportunity to present in front of people, wow, it is very nice you know. I am a person that from shy to love and long to present in front of people
And guess what? Everyone remember very well, Don't know, maybe my name is easy to be remembered. Wow, good beginning, this workshop make me recognise that I have change a lot ya.
Next workshop will be going to Alfa, after these workshops and college visitation, I am going to focus on CNY sketch. But I feel weird, why Saito didn't call me ya???

DXown

My heart is like a rainy day, what is my feeling when it is raining?
Just very down because I am very dangerous in choosing course
And I am afraid that my national language will make me can't experience my college life
I can't hate, I can't be happy, well.... I should happy that my brother ex-college got this so call as 'special' system
So maybe my final decision will be Alfa
but 42k, if this course is not mine? then my family's money will be wasted.....

The Road Not Taken

This situation is like the poem 'The Road Not Taken'
Am I going to NS? Or straight to college after that?
I am still choosing the road that I wanna walk.
Many people suggest me to go for NS 1st
Personally I wish to study first
1. don't miss the time for study
2. maybe is going to rent a house with my friend, so don't let the friend wait, but I am waiting him
But, it is not about my personal
It is about my future
Think twice, maybe NS can make me know myself more
since now I don;t have a passion to study
why don't I go for NS 1st, then come back
maybe I can find myself, know more about myself in it
After come back, maybe I can study well
I need more suggestion
In this holiday, I don't want just a job
I want a really long holiday to really make me rest
To know me more
I wish that I can travel
Travel oversea, at least 3 countries
to see outside, to see myself
To travel alone, this is my wish and hope in this holiday
But I can't do that, I still have many things on my hands
I just want to speak sorry to myself that I can't succeed my dream
My dream is just a empty matter

I gonna cheer myself up, my future is all on my hands now

A Day

Today I went to UCSI to do a test for my future course, the test actually accurate and set me a clearer and firmer decision that I am going to IT Multimedia Designer way
And then not only that but I search for some advices, I am going to do research more, hope that I can make my future more..... good?
Now I have clearer vision about my future, hope that my future vision will be clearer. Now I have my goal, it's time for me to search for college
UCSI already out from my brain, because it is too expensive, come on 56k, kill me a? Then I consider Saito lo! Multimedia Design, wow!! it fulfill all my requirement, 3D design, Multimedia, but have to see what course inside la. Then UTAR, cheap, IT campus in PJ, opposite of IACT, Jian Yew's dream college. Decision will be made after KLCC educational fair.
Tomorrow go watch AVATAR 3D with Jian Yew, now go sleep

Year End, Year Begin

'5,4,3,2,1!! Happy New Year!!!' This seems to be very normal to all of us every year end, I enjoyed this before, but not for long. since last year countdown I am not counting down with my friends but my family
This can be the coolest(coldest) year end countdown for me, we just go to KLCC and wait for the firework, well, take video, photo, feel very lame. then go back home, hang around, don't let myself to sleep until 2 30am.
I am tiring of finding work and all those things are coming in 2010, Just wanna shout, Give me a BREAK!!!!! I don't want to think about the College, National Service, Part time Job etc etc, What am I doing here? some of my friends begin to go for NS, study, working, me? I am sitting here, ERRRRRR!!!!!