不知什么时候

不知什么时候
你的笑容不在那么灿烂
你的举止不再那么耍宝
你，变得端正，你，从大笑变微笑。
和你见面的那段短时间，已不再有你的气息。

或许，每个人都一样，变了。
以前那种感觉，那份气息，已不在。
脑海里的那种感觉，也没了。


是不是，
日子苦了？
是不是，
经历多了？

人生，没有大结局，
我们的相遇，也许是一种缘分，
但我不相信分离会是我们结局。

不知什么时候
我开始不在乎了
我开始累了
眼泪也缓缓的少了

还是，我已经变了？

Loner

有时候，真觉得自己很孤单。每次一个人走在行人道上，自己一个人吃着饭，自己一个人做自己喜爱的东西，不被身边的朋友所约束。可是，真正的原因是这样吗？不知道。只觉得很多时候我不被接受，无论我的言行举止，形态什么的，久了真的连我自己都觉得很厌烦，更何况是别人呢？
 别人对渐渐的冷漠，我也感受得到，自己知自己事。虽然有点痛苦，但是怎么样都要挨下去，谁叫我天生就是这副德行，从不讨人喜欢，甚至因为我对别人的热心而导致别人误会。我已经受够了。如果没有教会，我大概也没什么朋友会注意我。摆脱，我是谁啊？
受够闲言闲语，也因为他们，我无法抬起头，我的忽冷忽热，不被接受，更加别说我自己了。我只能说，再见了，热心的我，你好，冷漠的我。天生就孤独一个人，从开始到现在，都一样。强忍的眼泪总就好是要忍着，要忍着。。。

Trial

Somehow, all of us went through trial, no matter where or when, ever since we were bornt, challenges came, and we have to go through one by one to achieve to the next level.
What more can we do to surpass and to overcome it, by the strength of God.
A friend of mine, well... hope that we are still friend, he is still hiding himself out there, we tried our best to find him out, but things doesn't turn up well as we expected. Well friend, whatever things happen, you always have friends and family, but why do you wanna hide yourself from us, no matter physically or mentally, emotionally.
I like the song Anytime You Need A Friend, and I will be there. But when you have trouble, why don't you let us help you.
You know, being a friend of you, it is cruel to let your friend not surpass the difficult time together with you.

I hope you will be back, I want the friend that inspired me and made an impact to me that make me stay on until today. You can't just change my life and then check out....

Surprise

   Sometimes something doesn't have to be thought too much, I really cannot expect that I will receive the surprise from them. Not other people but them, hahaa, the shortest time we met, but they have the heart.
   Before that I suspect, because when I was trying to leave, they stopped all those practice(sorry....), then I pretend to do something to stay back. And really.... It was a surprise!
   but I have totally out of idea, what should I do? my heart is so damn warm and really impressed very much. (even i already know, but its very surprise to me).
  Thank You guys, even though you might not see this, but really, thank you.. I really can't expect this kind of things from you guys xD

奶奶的逻辑

   “Sam, 吃饱了吗？”
   “Sam, 饿了吗？饿了先吃个饼吧！饭很快好哦！”
   “Sam, 要红豆水吗？刚热得哦！”
    “Sam, 我还怕你不来，我要煮你最爱吃的豆腐松给你啦！”

    每个星期六到了外婆家外婆都会问我类似的这几个问题，当然！还有很多关于吃得。

    最近我看了一幅暴走图， 内容是奶奶觉得让孙子填饱肚子比世上任何一样东西还要重要。呵呵，虽然内容有点夸张，也反映了我们奶奶的性格，我外婆也是这样啊！
   看了这幅图，我突然想起一样东西。我老是曾经告诉我们班：

    “有位学者曾经说过，一个民族所食用的食物的味道能辨别该民族的历史悠久性。怎么说呢？比如说，一个历史有数百年的民族，我们说美国好了，大多数人民都喜欢吃些什么样味道的食物呢？是甜食吗？没错，有些民族也一样（不方便透露那么多)，我们往往能够清楚地以他们喜好的食物味道来预计到他们民族的历史悠久性。
    那么华人呢？华人历史有数千年，数千年.....猜猜什么味道最适合呢？对了，苦.... 别说其他食物，就拿我们的中国茶来说吧！中国茶的味道，当我们喝进去的时候，苦是往往我们先尝到的味道，然后我们会享受到一些甜甜的滋味，是吗？这就是所谓的甘甜，意味着苦尽甘来的意思。”

   那么这些什么所谓的民族喜好的味道和奶奶逻辑有什么关系呢？试想想，我们拿华人的苦茶来说说我们的奶奶吧！在我们的时代，我们好吃好住，当然不察觉啦。如果我们把我们自己放在他们的年代呢？
   在那年代，各种事发生，华人的历史，有很多时候，会被欺压，受苦，挨饿。每次当我们遇到长辈的时候，他们都会问我们：“吃饱了吗？” 不是有空就问你们几句，但是他们的潜意识会一直想着：“我们到底还会不会有下一餐温饱的饭菜。” 因为他们以前过得苦日子，而反映了今天的习惯。
   所以当外婆问我吃饱了没,我不觉得过分，因为在他们的年代，他们吃不饱，穿不暖。现在儿孙满堂，当然要孙子吃得好，穿得暖。不是吗？

For The Record, by Mariah Carey

A song that pierce through my heart with the song rhythem but not the lyrics, maybe I will feel the lyrics someday in the future when I have my life partner with me. Even it is an old song, but the song is nice
"Baby, baby, babyMy love
Hey, for the recordYou oughta knowYou wasn't thinkingWhen you let me go

But whateverThat's how it goesWin some you lose someAnd others you hold in your heart

Why it gets so hardTears you all apartEven though you try to let goNo, no, no

Suddenly you're hereAnd it's so surrealAnd I don't knowWhat the deal

'Cause when I'm looking in your eyesFeels like the first timeGive me one good reason whyWe can't just press rewind

I don't wanna spend my lifeThinking what it could've been likeIf we had another try, one timeLike back in the day that look on your faceFeels like the first time

Them other irregularitiesThey can't compete with MCThe whole entire world can tellThat you love yourself some me

People see ya knowAsking all aboutMe and how they always thoughtWe were so perfect together

Let's re-write the endStart over againAnd it's gon' go better now

'Cause when I'm looking in your eyesFeels like the first timeGive me one good reason whyWe can't just press rewind

I don't wanna spend my lifeThinking what it could've been likeIf we had another try, one timeLike back in the day that look on your faceFeels like the first time

For the recordYou'll always be a part of meNo matter what you do

And for the recordCan't nobody sayI didn't give my all to you

And for the recordI told you underneath the starsThat you belong to me

For the recordIt's obvious thatWe just can't let go of us, honey

'Cause when I'm looking in your eyesFeels like the first timeGive me one good reason whyWe can't just press rewind

I don't wanna spend my lifeThinking what it could've been likeIf we had another try, one timeLike back in the day that look on your faceFeels like the first time

'Cause when I'm looking in your eyesFeels like the first timeGive me one good reason whyWe can't just press rewind

I don't wanna spend my lifeThinking what it could've been likeIf we had another try, one timeLike back in the day that look on your faceFeels like the first time

'Cause for the record, babyNow you know, now you know"by Mariah Carey

似曾相似的感觉

被排斥的感觉虽然已经习惯，但是当它回来时，我还是不习惯。

以为自己已经改变了，可能会遇到不错的人。

但是一队里总会有有心人，一如往常。

尽然他们那么用心良苦，我也不想辜负他们的“好”意。

有些事，看了就明白，不用多说，我总认为行动比说话更有用。

我明白了，可能是我多疑，但是，我总算明白你们的用意，你们的意图。

我不会哭，因为3年前已经为这种人哭过，也掉干了，也会过去的，会过去的.....

When We Walk Together

After 1 week back from Singapore, finally I turn on this and start writting, it is really lazy for me to do anything after being back from Pesta and STAB Camp. A whole week of adventure and meeting people really makes me refresh all at a time.  I will not post any photograph here as I have all in my facebook account.
This journey, I don't learn a lot of things, but I learned something at least that its enough for me, at least for now, how does leadership work, how does officer do to make things happen more effectively, but as a very young leader, I am very afraid, sometimes, I think I am not worthy to hold this position, because I am not a very big big people, not very successful, even I have many friends around me who very closed and good to me, but it doesn't mean that I can become a good leader. Leader makes mistake but I think I made more than a mistake.
In Pesta, I managed to find back my old friend, spending most of my time with them whenever its free time, chatting, updating our status. Even when we were in dorm, they find me to chat, we sat down, lying down and chat like long time no see, its been 2 years we didn't see each other, and of course we put our heart together, not chit-chatting, but speaking like a friend to friend talk.
We came from different company and background, everyone of us faces different problem in our area, I saw them grow, face problem, trying to break to force field that surrounding them to get the freedom. I am regret that I don't actually talk to them about their problem, but what can I say is, If you believe in yourself and pray to the Lord, He's gonna make it happen. Last night, I spent time chatting with them, just before I left, because this might be the chance to see them all, I don't wanna be like last time, at least I have no regret on this anymore. When departing from Pesta to Singapore, my tear nearly came out, as I look out from the window, seeing I was leaving the school, and without any clue when will we meet again. I believe one day, we might see each other again, so I kept my tear and smile, saying farewell... Farewell but not goodbye, as we will see each other in a very long time later.
When we were in Singapore, I met Nicholas and Zhao Xuan. Nicholas, who were same group with me last S.T.A.B Camp, which I remember him a little much, because of his size. hahahah, and Zhao Xuan, no memory about him, but when I asked Nicholas back, and I remembered, he was in my team too. Both of them working well in their respective team, bold and brave. If getting more training, they will become diamond one day.
We spent quality time together, after knowing Nicholas background, sometimes I just feel like he needs a brother or a father figure, as his family has less time to accompany him. Throughout the whole camp he is talking and hinting me to stay, because of the brotherhood. "Let me give you an advice, next time when you work in Singapore...." "please, don't go...."  I was like stunned, this voice stayed in my memory which I cannot forget. What can I do is the same thing to them, I cannot make myself regret to leave them without spending more quality time with them together. He always say thank you for my advice, so wanna treat me some drinks, I forgot everything that happened before, so I just said no...
As I left Singapore, my tear drops, but because it is public, I covered it. "So say goodbye, but don't you cry, because true love never dies" This word is true. If we don't leave each other, we might not have the eager to see each other again, and we won't be having that excitement when we meet again in the future, I smiled as I wrote this. At last, we exchanged our Bible, as a sign that we must meet again, he quickly ran to his dorm and bring his Bible just to exchange with me, 2 bibles are the same, but the meaning is there. For what I define, we exchange the bible, as I sign that we must be seeing each other in future, so when we meet again, we can get our bible back, as a promise that we will meet again one day without fail....

Back to Basis

As I did so many things around, and it was too packed, I forgot who am I, what is my purpose of doing, I don't wanna do just for the sake of working. but work for the sake of my basis, the reason why I came along.
Obedience, thinking of others, humble, seems like I lost them all, and even more... I need to regain it back, maybe its time for me to take a break, to regain these 3....

Sometimes, I just want a talk.

Sometimes, I just need somebody to talk to, a heart to heart talk, a emotional talk, brotherly talk, and not that kind of gossiping talk
 Sometimes, I have many things in my mind, I need to share it out, and make myself comfortable, I don't know how much long can I stand.
 I just need a conversation with my friends, some of my friends who I have heart to share with.
 Not typing, not through the phone, but its really come out and have a conversation, to let people see what's going on with me, I am not clear about myself too.

Flexibilty

 Sometimes I feel that flexibility is very important. For example is guiding young people nowadays, or i said our juniors, many times if we try to be more relief to them but not always push them, they will do better than what we expected.
   Should say like this, it means that when we tend to not to remind him/her the task, he/she will do much more better and more efficient, but if we keep on urging them the dateline is coming and they do no better, the outcome is not good at all. I discover this in college, Boys' Brigade, Dance and even some other places.
  For example, when I am leading the Suria Boys, many times I tend to keep on reminding them to hand in this hand in that, let's say, registration form, but end up just 1 or 2 handed in out of 7, I don't know why, but when I tend to leave it and let them have to automatic and try not to push, the effect is nicer than when I push them, but of course, it cannot be continuing like this, they need guidance. For example, when dueling with boot camp assignment, I didn't ask them :"hand in a wei, next week deadline liao, you haven't start ar??" , but I will just say:"so when is the dateline? you know right? okay, as long as you handed me in then ok, remember ya!" full stop, if we tend to be gan jiong, it will give them pressure and you won't get what you want at the end.
   In dance class too, my instructor won't give many advise, but just continuing practicing, less talking and pushing make us catch the dance step more clearer. In college, the more lecturer concern on our dateline, the less efficiency we have sometimes, seriously.
  So coaching and guiding sometimes is like playing kite, you have to soften your hand let it fly, when its too high, hold it back. same thing to guiding young people, they are just like kite, they need freedom and don't want us to nag them everyday, so we just soften our hand and let them fly, do whatever they want, what I want is the outcome, but when they were wrong and got problem, then we hold it back, stop the kite from flying and pull it back abit.... ;D

The Return

Long time never update this, but sometimes I think that keeping this unto myself is better than showing my feeling with others. I have a practice to write down my daily life into a journal, but of course not everyday, because I think that everyday is a part of my story, and my life is not that boring, and I have things to write down, maybe 1 day, someone will pick up my journal and read it, and they will understand more about me. I always have a dream that I will show my good fried my journal before we separate, who knows?
Along this 3 months, I learned alot, running BB company makes me feel that, I am kind of many things to handle, well, I also feel that I grow a lot, but of course, not enough, so I need to pick up myself and do my best. More stories, more to come...

New Year Goal?

Recently I have set a New Year resolution for myself, it is just some very simple step which lead me to a better person.
1. Always think of other first anytime anywhere, as God's people, I shall think of other people rather than just thinking of myself
2. Word of God everyday at least a passage from the bible a day
3. Speaking word of encouragement

烦

许久没更新，有很多东西发生，只不过，不知从何说起。
只能说自己没用，什么都做不好，事事不如意。
世界就是这样，我走到哪里，就有克住我的人。
只能说有时候，我被别人看底。所谓以小人之心夺君子之腹。
我只能说，对任何事，不再上心。
无论我付出多少，为多少事劳心劳力，流血流泪，还是有所谓的小人。
两个字，以为。可以让我心痛到极点。
两个字，以为。就判断我是一个这么卑鄙的人
两个字，以为。我就是别人眼中的坏人，小人，什么人？
两个字，就是这两个字，我已经放弃了，失望透顶。
不再上心，不再有冲刺。冲刺来个屁！！！

The Road Not Taken

" Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergroth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
by Robert Frost

When comes to decision making, I really have no choice.
I am choosing 2 paths, both paths are gonna make my life different.
But which one will I choose? I really don't know
Seeking for advice, from who?
Well at least I have 7 days

两个月没写部落格的我，最近过得怎么样了?这两个月的我，感触良多。高山低谷就还没走到这个地步。不过开始觉得有点寂寞了，想找个人来关心下，也想被关心。不知道被人抱在怀里的那一种感觉是不是那么美好？
生命中来来去去有人插肩而过，也有人停下来，在你心里种了一个让你无法磨灭掉的种子，等着他成长开花。也许，我不会遇到这一个人，也可能，这人已出现，也很有可能，我是这个人。
人总是贪婪，有人贪钱，有人贪色，有人贪玩。而我？我是哪一种贪新鲜的人吧？如有新奇的东西，我一定会去试一试，就是试过去真诚的爱一个人。以前不敢爱，是因为爱错，明知爱上一个不应该爱的人是一种错误，何必呢....
曾经一个朋友，他很真，我很喜欢他。别人认为他有点gay,但是他却又女朋友。有一天，他这样向我解释：“你知道为什么有些人会这么说我吗？” 我看着他，等待着他的答案。“因为我很想像有些女生一样，一样有人疼，有人关心，作为男人，你只能做关心人，疼爱人的那一个....."
我想想，其实，我是不是另一个他，一直期待别人来关心下我，就像个弟弟也好啊！！ 哈哈哈，真幼稚，真感性。
算了，不可能的事，永远都不可能，只能做主动的那一个了。

Random topic

We have been through a lot of things that really keep me up. I always face everything in a positive manner. I don't wanna let people to see I am sad, I don't wanna put my sadness and share it to people, this is my living manners.
But how many people know me exactly and how many people know what I've been through? well, I don't know, only God knows. Recently I tend to be forgetful, maybe it is good to me, I started to not to be too sad when I face challenges, I am prepared for any situation except for natural disaster and other thing. I don't know, but I feel that this year, I grew up and learned a lot.
I am not that "me" who always have negative thinking in my mind. I started to learn how to charge in a very calm manner. Its not that I am a slow man, I just like to observe then action, well, this is who I am.
We have started BB in Sekolah Seri Suria for 4 weeks, to me I am happy that we have around 10 faithful one, but I get a lot of negative feedback, say few people, no spirit whatever whatever, but I stand firm on my ground, I always have this positive manners and always tell myself:"thank God for these number". Although what I did didn't get appreciated, although I get persecuted, although.... I don't know, if I don't set myself good in terms of thinking, how can I lead my people?
I don't know how long can I stand or hold, but I will do my best when I still available and when I still have power and ability, even I am busy, but I know and I am sure that I am doing the right things, for God's kingdom.

Smile

Recently I get annoyed, well always huh! I am not sure whether how I get annoyed, it just that I don't wish to be as funny as last time I was after finished that movie...
But I have become the original me, normally I just try to be funny, so when I angry, everyone knows what happen, I am so powerful to express my feeling meh, XDD haa

Love Of Siam

Have you watched this movie call 'The Love of Siam'? it is a romantic movie, to the certain extend it is called gay romance, by the way, avoid that part.
This movie talks about love many more, and it is the first movie that make me cry in front of screen out of impression. Except for those 2 men's love, the other part like family part also quite impressed.
This movie won't make me sick, but it really make a good impact in my life.
"When there is love, there is hope"
"when there is love, you will never be alone"

by the way, it is a Thai Movie

Priority

What to do when people call u to priority your life, well, it is not easy for us to actually come out with 2 priority, to other people maybe they are just simple, do this and do that, in life, they just working, studying, stay at home, sport.
But as a believer of Christ, I always have this opportunity to serve, but this already taken my time aLOT, why I highlight this its because, yea, It is truey a lot, from now on, I am going to say No to something that is not neccessary for me.
I have dance, study, ministry, many things, so I am going to give up something, like PhotoHub, I am going giv up although I like photography...
Passion and serving always cannot come as a same peaceful mode, I cannot entertaint 2 parties at a same time.